Thursday, June 9, 2011

Commitment phobe

I came to the conclusion this afternoon that I am not only picky, but I am a commitment phobe. Hence my relationship status, job and living situation.

Check out my Facebook info and one of the first things that will pop up on the screen is Relationship Status: Single. It's actually been this way for a little while extremely long time. *Please do not say awww... no sympathy needed here. This relationship status is purely by choice. I've come to the realization over the past few years that I have a "what if" complex. This questions is constantly lurking in the back of my mind. I meet a great guy and immediately hit things off; soon we start to cross the thin line of friendship into relationship and suddenly the "what if" questions sneaks in. What if he's not the right one? What if things don't work out?And here's the big one... What if there is something better out there?

Beyond my relationship status, I am teaching my favorite grade level at a wonderful school and love my coworkers. But once again... I shy away from settling down. I'm not committed to staying at this school until retirement (which would ironically be 29 more years!) Instead, I plan to teach there for at least 2 more years and then move on to something new. Maybe even a private school. I've built amazing relationships with my coworkers and have created my perfect classroom, but there is still the assumption that something better is out there.

I am also living in a breath taking apartment that I ironically know I will be moving out of within months. I had the apartment completely decorated within the first two days of moving in and haven't changed a thing since except for a book or towel here or there. It is comfortable and picturesque but definitely not grounded. There is nothing particular about the apartment that I am attached to... except for the obnoxiously big closet. And although I am going to be sad to see the apartment go, I moved in with the notion that I would only be here for a year.

Now, I am on to the next chapter in my life: Buying a house. For the past month, I have been in house hunting mode... spending hours on listing book every night and open-housing on the weekends. This week I believe that I may have found the perfect house but still that annoying little questions, "what if there is something better out there," is haunting me.

Finally, I have reached the point in life where I am throwing my "what ifs" to the wind. Bring what it may, let life hit me full speed. I am ready for change and meeting it with an open mind... without the what ifs.

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